before the fall

it is the time of year again
when everything feels fragile;
pregnant with possibility...
tentative

the world swells and shakes from within
the heat recedes
houses throw out their tenants
onto cool streets

and everyone is quiet;
waiting
and the air is light
but minds are heavy
with the feeling that everything

will soon burst into flames

that in one moment
everything will change
and the people strain
afraid of missing the moment

and this is the part I always forget to love
the part that I always forget to look forward to
the slow building anticipation
before the fall

everything leaves a mark...

It seems like every time I make a new mixtape I want to update this blog. Maybe I should start making more mixtapes. Maybe some of you disagree ;)

Big things are happening in life and while change is usually scary, I'm finding these things quite the opposite. I have gotten rid of my nice reliable car and I'm going to buy something cheap to get me from A to B. I have felt for a long time like I need to simplify my life but I just haven't gotten around to it until now.

I have no idea what I'm doing-- I have never bought a used car before, much less one for under $5K.. it could turn out to be a bad decision, but whatever. I'm going to give it a try. I may be buying a house soon. I'm not sure if that's the best idea for me right now, but we'll see on that too. There is something inviting about owning real estate and something entirely terrifying about it at the same time. If something goes wrong there is no landlord to call for a quick fix... you're the one responsible for fixing it. I'm not sure that I'm at the point in my life that I can afford to buy a water heater or replace central A/C... but I feel like I'm at the point in my life where I'm too old to be renting a box to live in for a ridiculous amount of money every month.

Anyway, all of that is boring.

I'm graduating in three months and 9 days. Graduating from college. Sadly, this won't mean a pay raise.. it wont' mean a different career.. it will just mean a piece of paper that I have paid roughly $25K for. Someday I'm sure it will come in handy but for right now it's a piece of paper and a sense of accomplishment for 9ish years of work to complete something substantial. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up though. There are days when I am 100% sure that I want to teach HS English. Days when I read a good book, talk about literature with someone, explain Gatsby to my baby sister, I'm sure I want to teach in these moments... but there are days when I'm doing homework and realize I have no idea about writers of specific time periods, couldn't teach a grammar lesson without having kids laugh at me, and couldn't really care less about MLA style formatting when I think I'd be doing a disservice to students. I know that I want to write .. but I still have no idea what I want to write because I have yet to have time to write anything that hasn't been for a school deadline for quite some time. I know I'm marginally good at a lot of things.. but I don't yet know what I'm great at.

My friend Amanda is great at teaching. She has kids from prior classes that seek her out on Facebook and want to be friends with her. She goes to events of her students.. she goes to school dances, etc. These are things that I know would make me a horrible educator... I can't imagine students feeling the same way about me.

Now though, I'm not sure anyone really knows what it is they want to do until they fall into it. I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm not worried about ANYTHING anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm anxious about not having a place to live set in stone.. and I'm anxious about not having a car at the moment.. and I'm anxious about getting everything ready school-wise before my vacation, but I know everything will work out just fine. Things will be just fine.

Let's face it.. they always are.

So what's there to worry about anyway?