Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.
Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'cause I love you ...
Just the way you look tonight.
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart
Lovely...Don't you ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it? 'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight
Hmm...
Hmm...
Just the way you look tonight
My mom and dad met when I was 6 years old. I was going through some weird phase where I was acting as if I was a cat. Yeah, meowing is something I'm sure little kids do often, but not me. I was crawling on the ground, nuzzling up to people trying to get them to pet me on the head, purring, jumping on the furniture, pretending to clean my face with my 'paws'... I was a full on kitten. Mom dated quite a bit, but of course she saved only the prime choices for bringing home to meet the girls. Dad came over and I was in kitten mode and it didn't scare him away. In fact, I'm pretty sure he thought it was 12 kinds of adorable. From the day I met him, he took to me and I knew that he was someone special.
Mom and dad decided they should get married and I was the awkward little flower girl who cried during the ceremony because I was so happy that we were all becoming a family. Dad had what I would call a borderline mullet at the time, and mom wore a big poofy sleeved pink wedding dress. I remember the wedding and it was spectacular. We were a family. A happy little family, soon to be added to with a new little sister and a lot more love.
I remember dad always driving a truck, I remember singing along to Diamond Rio with him, each of us choosing a harmony and listening to the same few songs over and over until we had perfected them.. "Holdin'" and "Walkin' Away" were the two I remember the most but there were hundreds of country songs that we would turn up and sing along to every time we got in the car. On my 16th birthday, I had a party at a place with a karaoke machine. Dad goaded me into singing "When I Fall in Love" from the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack with him. I was super nervous to sing in front of all of my guy friends but it was comforting to have him up on stage with me singing the male part of the duet. When I got married (we all know what a huge mistake that was.. and dad did too) we danced to "The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra. I was thumbing through pictures the other day and my friend's husband had taken a bunch of photos of the two of us dancing. In one of the pictures it was obvious that he was singing to me while we danced and the memory flooded back to me. A month or so ago we were sitting at the kitchen table and both of us started singing the song together, talking about how we danced to it, and what a lovely choice it had been.
I guess the point that I'm trying to get at is that I remember music... and I remember my dad associated with music. Dad passed away on January 16th. He was hiking with his friends in Callahan and one second he was laughing and joking and the next he was gone. Dad was 41 years old.. in the best shape he had been in since he met mom and full of life and energy. He had a massive heart attack and he was gone. The past month has been a blur of people and tears and a sense of loss but it has also been a journey of spiritual growth for me. I have never felt God as much in my life as I do now. He sends all of the right people, the right scriptures, the perfect songs, He is comforting and healing.
The way that I deal with stressors is likely different than most people. I go into a shock, find something I can control and do it and then move on to the next thing. I don't think I have fully grasped the fact that dad isn't coming home, that our lives are completely changed forever... at least I don't think I've allowed myself to do that yet. All I know is that I had the best dad in the entire world. Every time I would go to leave the house he would take me by the shoulders and stare at me and say something like, "I love you, my daughter" or "In case I haven't told you lately, I'm so proud of you".. he would ask for extra hugs and kisses, he would tell us how much we meant to him at every opportunity. He truly is the best man I have ever known. There was a spark about him, a joy for the simple pleasure of having his family around him, a love for God and all of His creations. There was nothing that he left unsaid to any of us.
Dad emulated the unconditional love of God here on earth, and for those of you who don't believe in God, I'm so sorry for what you're missing out on. I cannot imagine having to go through this kind of thing without hope, without the promise of the things that He has for us after we leave this world. I cannot imagine not feeling God's love in the darkest of times.
We had bookmarks made with part of a verse from a passage we found to put on the back of the funeral program. The full passage is below:
Paul's Prayer for Spiritual Growth
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.
Anyhow, I just wanted to let you all know why I have been away, what a great man my Dad was, and what a good God we have, providing comfort and support in times of sadness. I know that my dad lived his life without regrets, loving fully, experiencing everything passionately, and seeing beauty even in the darkness so I hope to continue making him proud by the way that I live my life. I know he'd be thrilled that this has caused me to seek God again, even though the situation sucks, I feel peace about what has happened because I know Dad is looking down at us from a much better place. Mom says he had to go so soon because he's building a perfect house for us to live in once we get there. I tend to agree. He and God are trying to find the best granite countertops for mom's dream kitchen right now.
I'm glad that over the past few months I stole extra hugs from dad. I'm glad that he was at my graduation and that I have the gift of the BEST picture of the two of us to hang on my wall. I'm happy about all of the memories that we made as a family, I'm happy that I let dad walk me to my car and give me an extra hug the last time that I saw him and I'm so glad that we had the relationship that we did. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have had him for 20.5 years of my life... and I'm horribly sad that he isn't with us anymore.. but I know that there must be something that God needed him for more than we did.. I can't for the life of me figure out what it could be, but it must be something BIG.
So please, call your parents, call your loved ones, tell them how much they mean to you. Give extra hugs and kisses, laugh, smile, create good memories.. you never know how long you will have with them.. so do what dad did and make the best of the little time that you have here on earth.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Endings and Beginnings
School has finally wrapped up for the semester and it has really hit home that I am four classes away from graduation. Years ago I started college at TCC, took a couple of night classes while I was working and then decided that I wanted to work instead of going to school. I applied for every office job in the newspaper and finally found a lovely little reception job 30 minutes from home that didn't mind that I lacked office experience. I worked there for a couple of years before deciding that I needed to go away to college. So, I applied to Stephen F. Austin and trekked to Nacogdoches, TX where I went to school for exactly one semester before realizing that I wasn't a very good student when I didn't have a full-time job. I thought it was too expensive, that my parents wanted me to come home, and honestly, the 9/11 ordeal scared the shit out of me. So I came home, and took some classes at TCC off and on for a few years.
It wasn't until I got married and realized that my office job career wasn't taking me at all where I wanted to be, that I decided it was time to get serious about going back to school. So I went back full-time, worked full-time, had a full-time family. It was stressful, it was rewarding, and I loved it in a slightly jaded way. I got my Associate's Degree in May of 2007, and stupidly didn't go to my graduation because my then husband didn't feel like getting out of the house. I remember feeling incredibly slighted by the fact that no one in my immediate married family thought that this achievement was worth getting dressed up and leaving the house for.
I remember going to the information session at Texas Woman's, by myself, remember touring the campus and deciding that this was where I was going to finish out my college work. And I remember being so excited to start and not having anyone at the home I was living at who really even cared. My husband talked about how much it was going to cost, what little time I was going to have to spend with the family, asked if I really wanted to go back... and I did. So I got registered for classes, and after what would likely be noted as "the worst night of my life", I drove out of a hotel parking lot, after seeing something I never thought I would see and my best friend, Tiffany (now my roommate), and I drove to Denton to get my books to start my first semester at TWU.
Now it is nearly two years later and I am four classes away from graduating from college. graduating from college! I have no idea what this little piece of paper will mean to me, although I know I will have to go on to start getting certified to teach, and I know that it means another chapter of my life is coming to a close. I told myself at the beginning of school at TWU that each semester I would drive out to the campus to get books even though my classes are all online.. and each time I drive out there, I pass by the hotel. I remember the Spring semester after my divorce I was incredibly angry at seeing the giant green sign on the side of the highway, one semester I drove by it without realizing I had missed it at all. Now I drive by it thankful, I usually say a little prayer to God thanking Him for the way that things turned out. But as weird as it may sound, I'm going to miss driving out there terribly when I graduate.
It will be another thing that was tied to the beginning of a new life that is over. I am not the same girl I was on September 1, 2007 when we drove out 35 to Denton, but I had no idea what I was on my way to becoming. I had no idea the strength and determination I had within myself, nor the resolve that I held. I had no idea that time would pass so quickly, and that everything that happened would feel like it was a lifetime ago. I had no idea that I would be happy again, or that I would feel full of possibility and life would once again hold promise.
So I find myself, in May of 2009 terrified to graduate college, but knowing that it is just another terrifying thing that will change my life for the better. I will be 27 in 13 days and I feel like my life is just beginning, like I've finally figured out who I am.
So farewell to the past, it's served me well. Great things are on the horizon.
It wasn't until I got married and realized that my office job career wasn't taking me at all where I wanted to be, that I decided it was time to get serious about going back to school. So I went back full-time, worked full-time, had a full-time family. It was stressful, it was rewarding, and I loved it in a slightly jaded way. I got my Associate's Degree in May of 2007, and stupidly didn't go to my graduation because my then husband didn't feel like getting out of the house. I remember feeling incredibly slighted by the fact that no one in my immediate married family thought that this achievement was worth getting dressed up and leaving the house for.
I remember going to the information session at Texas Woman's, by myself, remember touring the campus and deciding that this was where I was going to finish out my college work. And I remember being so excited to start and not having anyone at the home I was living at who really even cared. My husband talked about how much it was going to cost, what little time I was going to have to spend with the family, asked if I really wanted to go back... and I did. So I got registered for classes, and after what would likely be noted as "the worst night of my life", I drove out of a hotel parking lot, after seeing something I never thought I would see and my best friend, Tiffany (now my roommate), and I drove to Denton to get my books to start my first semester at TWU.
Now it is nearly two years later and I am four classes away from graduating from college. graduating from college! I have no idea what this little piece of paper will mean to me, although I know I will have to go on to start getting certified to teach, and I know that it means another chapter of my life is coming to a close. I told myself at the beginning of school at TWU that each semester I would drive out to the campus to get books even though my classes are all online.. and each time I drive out there, I pass by the hotel. I remember the Spring semester after my divorce I was incredibly angry at seeing the giant green sign on the side of the highway, one semester I drove by it without realizing I had missed it at all. Now I drive by it thankful, I usually say a little prayer to God thanking Him for the way that things turned out. But as weird as it may sound, I'm going to miss driving out there terribly when I graduate.
It will be another thing that was tied to the beginning of a new life that is over. I am not the same girl I was on September 1, 2007 when we drove out 35 to Denton, but I had no idea what I was on my way to becoming. I had no idea the strength and determination I had within myself, nor the resolve that I held. I had no idea that time would pass so quickly, and that everything that happened would feel like it was a lifetime ago. I had no idea that I would be happy again, or that I would feel full of possibility and life would once again hold promise.
So I find myself, in May of 2009 terrified to graduate college, but knowing that it is just another terrifying thing that will change my life for the better. I will be 27 in 13 days and I feel like my life is just beginning, like I've finally figured out who I am.
So farewell to the past, it's served me well. Great things are on the horizon.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
What Life Is...
So in the midst of writing an essay about what life is according to Arnold Bennett in The "The Old Wives' Tale" I thought about what I think life is according to me.
I was at Starbucks tonight, organizing my essay and as I was leaving I took stock of what my life looks like at the moment. I have a steady job, good pay, a fantastic roommate, a nice apartment, a great car, a family who is more amazing than I could special order from a catalog, wonderful friends, and am really close to a college degree. I don't know how much better I could have it. Sure, there are things that I want that I don't have... sure, there is a crapload of debt coming along with my impending degree... sure, I don't have any great love story to add to my list... but that's okay. I'm twenty-six years old and I have a damn good life going for me. So I thought I'd put that in writing so I can remind myself of it when I'm having a bad day or two down the road.
I should start out by saying that one of the main characters, Sophia, really struck me when I was reading this novel. She fell head over heels in love with a man she barely knew, ran off to Paris with him and got married, quickly discovering that things weren't as they seemed. Instead of returning home when things didn't work out, she stayed in Paris on her own and made a life for herself out of business and no pleasure. Reading this book was life-changing for me specifically in the end of her relationship with her husband, Gerald Scales.
"Her eyes were the eyes of one who has lost her illusions too violently and too completely. Her gaze, coldly comprehending, implied familiarity with the abjectness of human nature. Gerald had begun and finished her education. He had not ruined her, as a bad professor may ruin a fine voice, because her moral force immeasurably exceeded his; he had unwittingly produced a masterpiece, but it was a tragic masterpiece"
and a little later on the same page:
"She had accepted Gerald as one accepts a climate. She saw again and again that he was irreclaimably a fool and a prodigy of irresponsibleness. She tolerated him, now with sweetness, now bitterly; accepting always his caprices, and not permitting herself to have wishes of her own. She was ready to pay the price of pride and of a moment's imbecility with a lifetime of self-repression. It was high, but it was the price" 361 - Arnold Bennet - The Old Wives' Tale
Reading this was a wake-up call of a familiar situation. And I realized afterwards that I don't want to be a Sophia Baines, consistently punishing myself for one moment of weakness or one mistake I have made. She lived out the rest of her life cold and calculating, focusing on nothing emotional and wrapping herself up in monotony and work. That's just not me.
Anyway, there's a lot more I could say on this subject, but I'm heading to sleep now. I'm still not finished with the essay on this book and it's breaking my brain into tiny little pieces because I'm only allowed two double spaced pages to write everything that I want (WITH QUOTES AND SOURCES!) and I'm struggling to pare it all down.
So, I may revisit this topic again... but for now, that is all.
I was at Starbucks tonight, organizing my essay and as I was leaving I took stock of what my life looks like at the moment. I have a steady job, good pay, a fantastic roommate, a nice apartment, a great car, a family who is more amazing than I could special order from a catalog, wonderful friends, and am really close to a college degree. I don't know how much better I could have it. Sure, there are things that I want that I don't have... sure, there is a crapload of debt coming along with my impending degree... sure, I don't have any great love story to add to my list... but that's okay. I'm twenty-six years old and I have a damn good life going for me. So I thought I'd put that in writing so I can remind myself of it when I'm having a bad day or two down the road.
I should start out by saying that one of the main characters, Sophia, really struck me when I was reading this novel. She fell head over heels in love with a man she barely knew, ran off to Paris with him and got married, quickly discovering that things weren't as they seemed. Instead of returning home when things didn't work out, she stayed in Paris on her own and made a life for herself out of business and no pleasure. Reading this book was life-changing for me specifically in the end of her relationship with her husband, Gerald Scales.
"Her eyes were the eyes of one who has lost her illusions too violently and too completely. Her gaze, coldly comprehending, implied familiarity with the abjectness of human nature. Gerald had begun and finished her education. He had not ruined her, as a bad professor may ruin a fine voice, because her moral force immeasurably exceeded his; he had unwittingly produced a masterpiece, but it was a tragic masterpiece"
and a little later on the same page:
"She had accepted Gerald as one accepts a climate. She saw again and again that he was irreclaimably a fool and a prodigy of irresponsibleness. She tolerated him, now with sweetness, now bitterly; accepting always his caprices, and not permitting herself to have wishes of her own. She was ready to pay the price of pride and of a moment's imbecility with a lifetime of self-repression. It was high, but it was the price" 361 - Arnold Bennet - The Old Wives' Tale
Reading this was a wake-up call of a familiar situation. And I realized afterwards that I don't want to be a Sophia Baines, consistently punishing myself for one moment of weakness or one mistake I have made. She lived out the rest of her life cold and calculating, focusing on nothing emotional and wrapping herself up in monotony and work. That's just not me.
Anyway, there's a lot more I could say on this subject, but I'm heading to sleep now. I'm still not finished with the essay on this book and it's breaking my brain into tiny little pieces because I'm only allowed two double spaced pages to write everything that I want (WITH QUOTES AND SOURCES!) and I'm struggling to pare it all down.
So, I may revisit this topic again... but for now, that is all.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I'm not impatient, just conflicted...
January 24, 2009
*copied from another journal before deleting it.
So here's the thing...
In the past few months I've had conversations with a few people that I am very close to who have told me that it is imperative that I end up marrying someone who loves me more than I love them. This idea really bothers me. Sure, security is a nice thing to have, adoration has it's place in any relationship, but I don't want to live my life drifting in and out of consciousness beside someone who worships the ground that I walk on.
I want to feel like I'm on fire for someone again. I want to be excited to see someone every time we get to spend time together. I want someone who appreciates the weird quirky things about me, not someone who looks at me like I've lost my mind when I make up songs about doing the dishes and sing while splashing around in the soapy water. I want someone who thinks it's fantastic that I get really excited about little stupid things. I want someone that will discuss literature with me one second and be able to follow my randomness when I start talking about the art of cake decorating the next. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm supposed to settle for someone that I can be myself around 80% of the time... but I don't think so.
I don't want someone who matches my every opinion or that agrees with me on every topic.. I enjoy a nice heated debate, but I don't think that I could ever be with someone who thinks that their way is the only right way. I want someone who is kind and compassionate but feisty and playful. I want someone who has an open mind and an open heart.
I have gone through some difficult times in my short life and I think that I have come out better in the end. I've adapted, I've grown, I've kept my core values and beliefs the same and I've tried to always find the silver lining in every big black cloud. I want someone who doesn't play the victim in their life. Someone who doesn't think that things happen TO them and someone who can take the good out of a bad situation and make it their own.
I'm an emotional person and I make decisions with my heart. I don't think that this is a bad thing, but some people do. I don't see many things in black and white anymore.. there is a lot of grey in the world. People may not deserve second chances but I'm known to give them anyway. I never want to wake up and wonder if I've done everything that I can when it comes to important situations or relationships. I don't live life with regrets and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me for anything that has happened in my life. I've made many mistakes, but they were my mistakes to make and I don't want to hear how someone would've done things differently... or more importantly, how I should have done things differently.
I don't know if my mom told me one too many times when I was little that I was wonderful and special, but I kinda think that I am. If there is something I want, I go after it and I get it. I work hard and am proud of my accomplishments. I would do anything for my friends and family and I think that their love and respect is the best thing in the entire world.
This whole thing turned into a rant and that wasn't my intention at all. I don't know if I believe in 'the one' anymore, but I'm a very idealistic person. I'm loyal to a fault, trusting until someone proves to me that they aren't worthy of my trust, and I'm very giving. I don't think that I should have to settle for someone who thinks they can live with me instead of someone who doesn't want to live without me... and vice versa.
I don't know if that exists, but I don't see myself ever marrying someone who loves me more than I love them. It doesn't seem fair to either party involved.
*copied from another journal before deleting it.
So here's the thing...
In the past few months I've had conversations with a few people that I am very close to who have told me that it is imperative that I end up marrying someone who loves me more than I love them. This idea really bothers me. Sure, security is a nice thing to have, adoration has it's place in any relationship, but I don't want to live my life drifting in and out of consciousness beside someone who worships the ground that I walk on.
I want to feel like I'm on fire for someone again. I want to be excited to see someone every time we get to spend time together. I want someone who appreciates the weird quirky things about me, not someone who looks at me like I've lost my mind when I make up songs about doing the dishes and sing while splashing around in the soapy water. I want someone who thinks it's fantastic that I get really excited about little stupid things. I want someone that will discuss literature with me one second and be able to follow my randomness when I start talking about the art of cake decorating the next. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm supposed to settle for someone that I can be myself around 80% of the time... but I don't think so.
I don't want someone who matches my every opinion or that agrees with me on every topic.. I enjoy a nice heated debate, but I don't think that I could ever be with someone who thinks that their way is the only right way. I want someone who is kind and compassionate but feisty and playful. I want someone who has an open mind and an open heart.
I have gone through some difficult times in my short life and I think that I have come out better in the end. I've adapted, I've grown, I've kept my core values and beliefs the same and I've tried to always find the silver lining in every big black cloud. I want someone who doesn't play the victim in their life. Someone who doesn't think that things happen TO them and someone who can take the good out of a bad situation and make it their own.
I'm an emotional person and I make decisions with my heart. I don't think that this is a bad thing, but some people do. I don't see many things in black and white anymore.. there is a lot of grey in the world. People may not deserve second chances but I'm known to give them anyway. I never want to wake up and wonder if I've done everything that I can when it comes to important situations or relationships. I don't live life with regrets and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me for anything that has happened in my life. I've made many mistakes, but they were my mistakes to make and I don't want to hear how someone would've done things differently... or more importantly, how I should have done things differently.
I don't know if my mom told me one too many times when I was little that I was wonderful and special, but I kinda think that I am. If there is something I want, I go after it and I get it. I work hard and am proud of my accomplishments. I would do anything for my friends and family and I think that their love and respect is the best thing in the entire world.
This whole thing turned into a rant and that wasn't my intention at all. I don't know if I believe in 'the one' anymore, but I'm a very idealistic person. I'm loyal to a fault, trusting until someone proves to me that they aren't worthy of my trust, and I'm very giving. I don't think that I should have to settle for someone who thinks they can live with me instead of someone who doesn't want to live without me... and vice versa.
I don't know if that exists, but I don't see myself ever marrying someone who loves me more than I love them. It doesn't seem fair to either party involved.
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