August 19, 2008
*copied from another journal so it still exists
(also, I had a lovely little mixtape that used to show here.. and I'm sad that mixwit is no longer..)
I'm trying to decide what the magical age in life is where you have everything figured out. Don't worry, I'm not getting all emo on you here, I'm just trying to figure out when you're really a 'grown up'. I remember when I was 19 (shut up, it wasn't THAT long ago!) and laughed at people who told me that I would be someone different in a few years. I was not like all of those other naive kids.. I knew unequivocally who I was.. what I wanted.. where I'd end up...
and then I turned 20.
Everything always changes. I'm not implying that this is a negative facet of life, just a given. The only constant is that nothing is ever constant. I'm a completely different person than I was this time last year. There is literally nothing about my life that is the same as it was one year ago... and I'm big on everything happening for a reason.. but when do you get to that point.. the point where everything settles down and the bigger picture comes into focus? When do you have that "Aha!" moment where it all makes sense? Maybe never.
But here's some perspective.. I was watching Maury the other day and there was this kid on the show.. she was still a teenager, that's why I say kid.. and she was on the show to find out which one of 3 men was her baby daddy. One of the men didn't show up, didn't want his picture on television, but wrote a letter saying that unless she could carry a baby for 10.5 months, he was pretty sure he wasn't the father. The other two guys were very nice and supportive of her, they seemed to genuinely care about this girl and her daughter even though neither of them ever had a relationship outside of having had sex with her once or twice. Long story short, Maury says that the absent guy isn't the father.. much crying and celebrating.. then guy number two isn't the father.. and then the shocker.. number three isn't the father either. So off runs this girl, backstage (because she forgets even after seeing all of the OTHER girls run backstage in horror and embarassment that there are cameras backstage too?) and Maury puts his arms around her to comfort her.. and then he says something that baffles my mind... it disturbed me so much that I WROTE IT DOWN.. he says, "It's okay.. this happens". This happens? REALLY Maury? Really?! No.. it doesn't happen. If you know you've slept with MORE than three guys around the time you conceived your child.. you should bring them ALL in for testing at the same time.. because aside from everyone in the USA knowing that you had horrible judgement a couple of years ago when you made this baby you are now a proven LIAR.. on NATIONAL TELEVISION who assured the entire audience (not to mention the three guys that were tested) that you were 100% positive that your child belongs to one of the three people that you had tested.
That being said.. my life is not complicated.. nor is it really all that interesting. Whenever I'm feeling down, I watch an episode of the Maury show (which is the exact same subject every day, always involving lie detector tests and/or paternity tests) or an episode of COPS.. even Intervention works.. these shows .. whether this makes me a bitch or not .. all make me feel better about my own life. I guess what I'm getting at is that I've been watching an awful lot of Intervention and Maury lately and that I'm sick of the transitory period of my life. I'm ready for the bright shining light at the end of the tunnel to not be a train barreling towards me. (okay.. maybe a tiny bit emo...)
If this posts right, there should be a nifty little mix-tape at the top of it(If not, click on the link included and it'll take you to the nifty little mix-tape!). Because my life always has an underlying soundtrack to it.. I just figured I'd share the current one with you. I'm feeling very restless lately and I think it's mostly due to the fact that school is starting up on Monday and also that a few days from now marks the time last year when my entire life changed (for the better in retrospect!). But I've also had a lot of time to just sit and think recently which is never a good thing for someone who worries about things and over-analyzes their life. ;) So I think my brain is just on overdrive right now.
Musc and driving are the only things that calm me down when I start to feel overwhelmed.. so I plan on spending a lot of time listening and driving in my last week before school..
This is the least coherent thing I've written in my blog to date, which is saying a lot, and not saying much all at the same time.
Anyhow, that's all I've got for now.