Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm not impatient, just conflicted...

January 24, 2009
*copied from another journal before deleting it.

So here's the thing...

In the past few months I've had conversations with a few people that I am very close to who have told me that it is imperative that I end up marrying someone who loves me more than I love them. This idea really bothers me. Sure, security is a nice thing to have, adoration has it's place in any relationship, but I don't want to live my life drifting in and out of consciousness beside someone who worships the ground that I walk on.

I want to feel like I'm on fire for someone again. I want to be excited to see someone every time we get to spend time together. I want someone who appreciates the weird quirky things about me, not someone who looks at me like I've lost my mind when I make up songs about doing the dishes and sing while splashing around in the soapy water. I want someone who thinks it's fantastic that I get really excited about little stupid things. I want someone that will discuss literature with me one second and be able to follow my randomness when I start talking about the art of cake decorating the next. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm supposed to settle for someone that I can be myself around 80% of the time... but I don't think so.

I don't want someone who matches my every opinion or that agrees with me on every topic.. I enjoy a nice heated debate, but I don't think that I could ever be with someone who thinks that their way is the only right way. I want someone who is kind and compassionate but feisty and playful. I want someone who has an open mind and an open heart.

I have gone through some difficult times in my short life and I think that I have come out better in the end. I've adapted, I've grown, I've kept my core values and beliefs the same and I've tried to always find the silver lining in every big black cloud. I want someone who doesn't play the victim in their life. Someone who doesn't think that things happen TO them and someone who can take the good out of a bad situation and make it their own.

I'm an emotional person and I make decisions with my heart. I don't think that this is a bad thing, but some people do. I don't see many things in black and white anymore.. there is a lot of grey in the world. People may not deserve second chances but I'm known to give them anyway. I never want to wake up and wonder if I've done everything that I can when it comes to important situations or relationships. I don't live life with regrets and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me for anything that has happened in my life. I've made many mistakes, but they were my mistakes to make and I don't want to hear how someone would've done things differently... or more importantly, how I should have done things differently.

I don't know if my mom told me one too many times when I was little that I was wonderful and special, but I kinda think that I am. If there is something I want, I go after it and I get it. I work hard and am proud of my accomplishments. I would do anything for my friends and family and I think that their love and respect is the best thing in the entire world.

This whole thing turned into a rant and that wasn't my intention at all. I don't know if I believe in 'the one' anymore, but I'm a very idealistic person. I'm loyal to a fault, trusting until someone proves to me that they aren't worthy of my trust, and I'm very giving. I don't think that I should have to settle for someone who thinks they can live with me instead of someone who doesn't want to live without me... and vice versa.

I don't know if that exists, but I don't see myself ever marrying someone who loves me more than I love them. It doesn't seem fair to either party involved.


  1. I don't think you should marry someone who loves you more than you love them... that doesn't even make sense. Marriage, I learn more and more every single day, is a complete partnership. As cliche as it sounds, you should compliment each other and draw things out from each other. You are still each your own person, but even more so than before because of the person you're with. You shouldn't be with someone you can only partially be yourself around, if you aren't 100% yourself all the time, who did they fall in love with?? They should love you, quirkiness, randomness, deepness, shallowness, all of it... all of you. If they can't accept and love all of that about you, they aren't yours. Now, that may sound a little harsh - but in reality, it isn't. I love my husband, everything about him, even though there are things about him that drive me absolutely up the wall. If I changed those things that made me crazy, he wouldn't be who he is. Does that make sense at all? I feel like I'm rambling.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm pathetically romantic. I still LOVE the Notebook, Romeo and Juliet, and devour Nora Robert's novels like they're chocolate dipped in a small piece of heaven. That being said, I can't imagine that anyone would want to spend their life settling for something, or want to spend their life with someone who "worships" them. If you read a truly good romance novel, or a watch a truly amazing romance - love goes through hardships, it wavers, it grows stronger - it's NOT perfect. Never once is love obsessive - which is what someone is if they "worship" you. Ha, gross.

    It just occured to me that this might potentially sound like I'm trying to prove something wrong that you said, and I'm not - I'm totally in agreeance with you. It's been a very long day, long week, and so on... so I'm not thinking 100% clearly.

    I really do admire you in so many ways - I would really like to sound like you do about the things that have gone wrong in my life and be positive about all of it and find the things that will make me stronger. I'm working on it, but for now I'm just going to be that person who rants and raves and puts myself out there - that's how I work through things and eventually, maybe, I'll be able to stand tall and strong and say "see, I went through X, Y, and Z.. and look where I am now. Look at everything I've accomplished because of all that." I just wanted you to know that you are really blessed with the way you use your words, and you offer hope to those of us that aren't as strong as you... YET. :)

  2. well it's too bad this thing decided not to e-mail me your comment, but as luck has it, I still needed to hear it nearly a month later. As for looking at the little tragedies in the bigger picture, it took me quite a while to reconcile this one. And you know me well enough to know that I do my fair share of bitching about the way things go :)

    I think I'll just be happy being single until someone that really 'gets' me comes along, because I've been in the situation before where there was a chasm of something missing and honestly that was worse than being all alone in the relationship world.. I know you know what that's like too.

    Thanks for your kind words, dear. I am always surprised to hear that people see any strength in me because 99% of the time I don't feel all that strong.

    Ugh, you and I need to get together and have some umbrella drinks soon!